When I entered my 20s, I developed this idea that having an affair must be so difficult. All the lies. The hiding. The sneaking around. The two-faced nature of it all. How could a person even enjoy it? Don’t get me wrong-I’m not stupid. I have been totally aware of the classic “you want what you’re not supposed to have” mindset, the perfect proof of just how depraved the human race is. I came up with several reasons why a person would consider cheating on their spouse but never could find one that made any of that devious behavior worth it. If you’ll allow me to skip the more obvious (and vastly more important) point that adultery is sin against God (not to mention your own body-1 Corinthians 6:18), the anxiety of it would be too much for me. I, in my 20s, would tell you-having an affair is way too difficult.

But now, staring down 35 and happily married might I add, I have flip-flopped on this issue.

Having an affair is way too easy!

I wish somehow this blog could allow me to require the reader to stop here and answer a question. Why do you think I’ve changed my tune? Why do I now say that having an affair is too easy?

I’m betting that if folks had to guess my rationale for declaring that affairs are “too easy” they’d say things like:

*So many others have done it & society just doesn’t view it as terribly as they once did.
*Marriage is hard and the grass often looks greener.
*This sex-crazed society has created an environment where affairs are likely.
*Technology has allowed people to connect so easily and secretly.
*There are a lot of forward, promiscuous people out there. You’ve probably had a coworker, neighbor, classmate, or even church friend be…well…too friendly.

I get all that, but no-that’s not what I mean at all. Before I give you all the background info that’s rattling around in my head, let me get right to the point.

Having an affair is too easy because it takes little work, requires little (or no) investment, demands no commitment, and provides no intimacy. Aha, there’s the magic word that changed everything.

Intimacy.

We live in a culture that knows all there is to know about sex, but knows very little about intimacy.

At 25, I thought affairs were too difficult because to get sex (something we all love) the tradeoff was secrecy, lies, and risk, basically that you put more into it than you get out of it.

At 35, I think affairs are too easy because to get sex (something we should all love) the tradeoff is rubbish (little work, no investment, no commitment), basically that you get more out of it than you put into it. Let me clarify-the mostly meaningless sex that one gets out of an affair isn’t worth much, yet still more than what they’ve put into it.

Affairs, at the very heart of them, are high heels and cheap thrills. Look as good as you can. Excite your mind and body with realities that are like sand in an hourglass, crumbling before they’re even built. Put nothing meaningful in. Get nothing meaningful out. And of course I’ve spoken nothing of the most important aspect-the inherent risk of destroying families and chiseling near-irreparable holes in the current marriages.

At 25, I thought sex on my wedding night would be the best of my life. Ok, you can laugh. I wish again here that this blog could require you to pause and predict why I thought that. No worries, I’ll spare you from my listing out what I predict your answer would be. HA HA. But seriously, I thought sex that first time would be the best ever by far. In fact, it would be the closest to sex in an affair that I would ever get. The anticipation! The excitement! The unknown! The passion! By the time we got to our hotel room that night, we could barely keep our eyes open. True story. There should be some alternate reality where wedding nights do not have to take place immediately after wedding days. But moving on, sex on our honeymoon was incredible. We didn’t know what we were doing and definitely hit some bumps in the road, but it was awesome.

But at 35, it’s so different. So…better! And it’s why I can now authoritatively say that affairs are too easy. Again, speaking apart from my identity in Christ, speaking 100% carnally, when it comes to affairs, I ain’t interested. Too easy. Perhaps better stated, too empty. Let me just say it- Now that I know meaningful sex, I am not interested in empty sex (sex without intimacy). All over the place, you’ll find four common components of intimacy. 1. To bond. 2. To share. 3. To feel safe. 4. To sex it up. Look it up- of course you’ll find much more on intimacy than those four tiny epithets (and perhaps a more professional explanation on #4 haha).

So here’s why sex in an affair could never even come within one million miles of being as good as sex with my wife.

My wife knows me. She knows me better than anyone else, sometimes me included. She knows all my weaknesses, all my frailties, all my shortcomings. She has chosen to walk with me through seasons of doubt, frustration, sorrow, fear, and failure. She has called me out, called me up, and pulled me in. She knows all my issues and wants me anyway. She chooses not only to love me through all of my crap, but also chooses to recognize the good, the growth, the godly in me. She knows full well how I’ve wronged her over the years yet wants to be close to me, to be intimate with me. And while my laundry list is much longer, I could write the same paragraph over and switch my place with hers. I know all the good and all the bad about her and daily I continue (more with actions than words) to say, “I want you. I want all of you.”

See that’s the problem with affairs (again, you know, not counting the fact that God will pour out his wrath upon this sin)- affairs are so easy. You sneak into a bed with a person (no matter how well you supposedly know them) whose crap you haven’t had to deal with. You haven’t walked with them through their hurts, through their failures, through their doubts. And if you think “being a shoulder for them to cry on” at work or via text or over coffee sporadically is anywhere close to counting, you’ve clearly never been married. No, I mean living with them through all of their insecurities, with all of their anxieties, investing in what matters to them, being disappointed when they hurt or ignore you. You’re sneaking into bed with a Facebook post, an Instagram picture, a facade. This ain’t reality. No matter how long you’ve known them or how long you’ve been “close friends”, um…no. This is easy. Marriage is hard.

Yeah, marriage is hard, but it is the most amazing thing. The intimacy I share with my wife is the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. I know now why it is analogous to Christ and the church. So just remember, whenever you are tempted to have an affair (even if only in the mind), you’re undoubtedly taking the easy way out.

High heels and cheap thrills. Hollow, worthless sex that will never satisfy. When your spouse fights for a future with you, invests in your becoming the person God has called you to be, is honest and challenging with you, knows all of your crap and chooses to see the good in you, knows every detail about you and still wants you, you won’t need high heels (though let’s be honest-they are nice every once in a while) and you definitely won’t need cheap thrills. You’ll just want your spouse. Sex, optional. Ok, not options, but…you know…only one piece of the puzzle…one enormously important piece of the puzzle. But I digress.