Before you read much farther, stop and answer two questions for me.

First: How many times have you made that statement (“Let me know if you need anything”) to a person in their time of sorrow, pain, or struggle? It may be a difficult question to answer not because it is even the least bit confusing but rather because of how often you make the statement. If you’re like me, there’s no way you can remember all the times you have said it.

Second: How many times has that person actually contacted you to let you know that they need your help? I’m guessing this is a far easier question to answer.

Regardless of whether you were able to pinpoint precise answers to either question, the point remains. Most of us have offered help a multitude of times using this very statement. Yet very few times have any sorrowful, hurting, or struggling people contacted us to let us know that they need something. This fact begs the question: Do we really mean it when we offer this help, help that is preconditioned upon their speaking up and telling us that they do need something? Whoa, it sure would be a harsh accusation to suggest that we are only willing to offer this help because we know it’s highly unlikely that the person ever requests it! Now I do truly believe that many who make this statement (“Let me know if you need anything”) really mean it. They really want to help. I believe this because most times I have made the statement while being sincerely willing to help in any way possible. There is an argument to be made that the statement (for some) has become so common in our culture that some repeat it to grieving folks out of habit, almost not even considering the commitment they are making (similar to the common statement in religious culture when responding to a struggling person–“I’ll be praying for you.” Many are quick to say it with no real commitment to ever pray on the matter.) But for the sake of this post, I am writing to those who are truly willing to help, those who continue to use such an ineffective offer to help but not because they are trying to simultaneously sound nice and dodge work. If you agree with the premise of this post (that we get a terribly low rate of response to our offer, in other words-that we say “let me know if you need anything” far more often than the person actually lets us know what they need), I urge you to consider several possibilities that lead you and me to continue making this statement during others’ time of need. Some of these may not apply to you, but I ask you to honestly consider your motives.

Why do we keep saying to those in need: “Let me know if you need anything”?

• It sounds good.

It’s simple. It’s to the point. It’s our way of saying-“I care!” In fact, “I care enough to help you with anything you need!” There is no question that it is a great way to close the conversation you’ve just had with the person who has lost their job, or with the one grieving the death of a loved one, or the friend who is injured or sick. There’s no doubt–it’s a much better note to leave on than saying something to the effect of: “Ok, sorry to hear about all this. Bye.” In fact, I’m so concerned with showing sympathy that I’ll often hit them with both closing statements before I leave.

Me: I am so sorry to hear about this. You let me know if you need anything, ok!?

Friend: Will do. Thank you so much.

Me: You’re welcome. And hey, I’ll be praying for you.

All jokes aside, I truly do intend to pray for those to whom I make this commitment, but I would be embarrassed at the number of times I have neither done anything to help nor prayed. “Let me know if you need anything!” It sounds so good.

• Others say it.

You’ve heard your mom say it. You’ve heard your grandmother say it. You’ve heard your pastor say it. You’ve heard the nicest neighbor you’ve ever had say it. All the nice people are saying it! You want to be nice so you say it. In fact, it may be the most common closing statement that nice people make when they have heard someone is walking through a difficult situation. All we like sheep have gone astray…

• We don’t know a specific way to help.

Some of the situations that others are walking through are tricky. If the widow next door has grass two feet tall, we’d (surely) never be too ignorant to say, “Let me know if you need anything.” But if a friend mentions they are fighting depression during this season and feel deep anxiety even at the thought of conversating with others, determining an action step that shows your care and concern is seemingly much more difficult. Might be best to just offer the classic-Let me know if you need anything, right?

• We mean it.

“Come on, David! Lighten up. You make it sound like this is some terrible statement that only the devious would employ.” Ok, fair point. Perhaps the most common motive behind this statement is the one found by taking the statement at face value. I want you to let me know if you need anything. I care about you. I am inviting you to inform me of how I can help you. And did I mention “anything“? I’ll do anything to help. I mean it.

Ok, so whatever the reason is for your using this statement, let me clarify that you’re not actually a terrible person. You likely don’t have the wrong motive. You likely do care. But on the other hand, it’s time for you to prove that you aren’t a terrible person, that you have the right motive, that you do care. How? Stop using this statement! Stop saying, “Let me know if you need anything.” It’s time to admit it. These folks rarely if ever let you know their need. So if we know that this statement isn’t having its intended effect, it’s time to drop it. So, what should you say instead?

First, before even brining up the idea of your willingness to meet a need, consider what potential needs there are. The grieving friend who has lost a loved one may be clueless about how to approach planning a service or dealing with a funeral home. You may have experience with such things. Don’t know them well enough to take on something so personal? What about providing a meal for their family during these days that are so hectic and scattered? The college student who seems overwhelmed with life’s newest challenges may need a coffee break or lunch date, a break from their craziness for a free treat with a kind reminder that this season actually won’t kill them. The single mother at her wit’s end might squeal with glee at your offer to keep the kids one Saturday afternoon so she can have some quiet time or appreciate being invited over for dinner with her kiddos, a kind gesture that is far too often only reserved for couples. The list goes on and on. Most situations that compel you to say “let me know if you need anything” have several easy to uncover “needs” if you’ll simply slow down for a moment to think of them instead of putting the onus on the person who undoubtedly will balk at the thought of asking you for help.

And in those moments when you are at a loss for what action truly would be helpful, don’t lean back on the tired statement. Instead, say something like this. “I know you are walking through a difficult time right now. I want you to know that I truly care about you. I’m considering different ways I can be a blessing to you right now. When I settle on one, is it ok for me to run it by you first to make sure it actually would be helpful?” They’ll likely say, “Oh, you don’t need to do anything.” You should say, “No, I want to do something. I’ll be in touch.” They’ll say, “Wow, ok, thank you!” When three days later you’re still blank on what to do, you call them and say “I want to do something for you. I’m stuck on what to do. Help me out. What is something I can do for you today that would be a blessing?” If this sounds like more work or seems like it might be more awkward, you’re right–it is. It takes more out of you when you are set on proving how much you care instead of simply saying it.

Galatians 6:9 is fairly famous. “Do not grow weary in doing good!” But is it the next verse that drives my thought that I have presented in this post. Galatians 6:10- “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.” Notice the verse never says anything about offering to do good. It simply says–do good. When? As we have opportunity. What opportunities will God put in your path today or in the days soon to come to do good to others? I urge you not to ask others to call you if they need something but instead to press into their lives just a bit so that you may prove your love in actions not words.

And about those in your life who are scattered, stressed, stretched, grieving, struggling, hurting, and all else that life throws at us,

I’ll let you know in advance–they do need something.